PONTYPOOL MY PONTYPOOL, I have a problem and I’m wondering if any of you can help me with it.

I had a mouse in my flat a few weeks ago. There it was one morning – I saw it out of the corner of my eye, skittering along, hugging the living room wall, and I thought “Fuck me, that’s a mouse-sized spider” until I looked and it was just a mouse. I looked at the mouse, the mouse looked at me, I said “Hello” and the mouse ran for it. So I got a non-lethal trap, narrowed down where it was living, baited the middle of the room for a couple of nights and then put the trap down. Mouse ends up in the trap, out it goes the following morning, sorted.

Except. There was some carpet damage in my room on one of the nights I know I had the mouse contained elsewhere. So I had to wonder if I had more than one. When I got back from those few days in Paris, having found no sign of anything untoward, I thought I must have got the only one, but then I started hearing the odd little noise every now and again, so I started closing doors again and leaving bait in the form of sugary gummy sweets. For a few nights: nothing.

Then I got up on Tuesday to find the gummy sweet gone. OK, I thought, let’s try that again with the trap. Wednesday morning: gummy sweet gone, trap closed and on its side. Gotcha, I thought.

The trap was empty.

Crap, I thought at this point. I’m not sure a mouse would’ve been able to tip that – maybe I have a rat this time. Which would also explain the disappearing sweets, as there was no sign that they’d been gnawed in situ, they’d just been dragged off somewhere. Cons for this idea: I’ve looked behind every cupboard in the living room, under every piece of furniture, and there’s no sign of the sweets (or any bits left over) let alone a rat; I know what a rat nest smells like after a while, and it’s not joss-sticks or whatever I cooked last (which is all the flat tends to smell of, if anything); and the space under the doors is too small to let a mouse pass (hence the carpet damage as it tried to dig its way out) so there’s no way a rat could get out. But there’s no sign of it.

Better carry on with the trap anyway, I thought, see what happens.

Thursday morning: Trap open, sweet gone. Bastard.

Friday morning (today): Trap closed and upright, with something inside making a satisfying mouse-sized skittery noise. Gotcha.

Except.

When I opened the back door to tip out whatever was in there – nothing. Now I wouldn’t think twice about this had it not been for the skittery noise. Something was definitely running around in there, and there was only one way out when I emptied the trap in the garden. But nothing came out, and the trap was empty.

So now I have to wonder if something is deliberately trying to fuck with my head.

So what do you think, folks? Invisible mouse? Undetectable rat? Pooka? Manifestation of mid-life nervous breakdown that eats sweets I wouldn’t touch with a barge-pole? The Tell-Tale Rodent? I’m open to suggestions.